We love our families, but, goodness, can they test our patience. Maybe you've got a sibling who turns every conversation into an argument. Maybe there's a parent who still speaks to you like you're 12, despite the fact that you've been paying your own bills for decades.

And, somehow, a perfectly ordinary family gathering can become another opportunity to defend yourself. But, here's something worth remembering: we don't have to participate in every disagreement, and we certainly don't have to keep having the same arguments for the rest of our lives.

Why Family Arguments Can Bring Out Our Younger Selves

Have you ever visited your childhood home and suddenly found yourself behaving like a teenager again? You're a perfectly capable adult, but one comment from Dad has you defending a decision you made six months ago.

According to Dr. Karen Lawson, a psychologist at Baylor College of Medicine, family gatherings can take us back to the roles we had when we were younger. Familiar surroundings and longstanding relationships can make those old patterns surprisingly easy to fall into. But, the good news is we can recognize what's happening and choose to respond differently.

You Don't Have to Win Every Argument

Some family members seem determined to have the last word. They might criticize your career choices or insist they know what's best for you. Before long, you're explaining yourself for the third time, hoping they'll finally understand.

But, what if you stopped trying to convince them? You can disagree with someone without presenting a closing argument worthy of a courtroom drama.

Sometimes, a simple, "I see things differently," is enough. And, if the conversation isn't going anywhere, you're allowed to change the subject or walk away.

Decide What You're Willing to Discuss

Setting boundaries begins with knowing which conversations we're comfortable having. Perhaps you're happy to discuss your job, but would rather keep your finances private. Maybe you enjoy family dinners until someone starts criticizing your personal life. Whatever your limits, you can communicate them without being rude.

Here are a few phrases worth keeping handy:

• When Someone Criticizes Your Choices: "I appreciate your concern, but I'm happy with my decision."

• When an Argument Starts Brewing: "I don't think we're going to agree on this."

• When a Topic Is Too Personal: "I'd rather keep that to myself."

• When Someone Won't Let It Go: "I've said what I wanted to say about it."

• When You Need to Leave: "I'm going to head home now. We'll talk another time."

You don't need an elaborate explanation for every boundary. A calm, straightforward response will often do.

What if They Don't Respect Your Boundaries?

Of course, setting a boundary doesn't guarantee everyone will appreciate it. A relative might dismiss your request or insist you're being overly sensitive.

Dr. Lawson says we should remain respectful and repeat our limits if necessary. She also suggests keeping visits brief when certain relationships lead to conflict. And, remember, a boundary is about what you will do, not what someone else will do.

For example, you can't force your brother to stop making nasty comments. But, you can decide to end the conversation when he does. The important part is following through.

It's Okay to Limit Contact With Difficult Relatives

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, a relationship continues to cause major stress. Perhaps every phone call ends in an argument, or you spend your days worrying about an upcoming family visit. It's worth asking yourself if the relationship is bringing anything positive into your life.

You might decide to call less frequently, shorten your visits, or take a break from seeing someone. In more difficult circumstances, you may choose to end contact altogether. That's a personal decision, and one that deserves careful thought. 

Talking things through with a trusted friend or therapist can help, especially when other family relationships may be affected. And, if someone's behavior is threatening or abusive, your personal safety always comes first.

You Can Love Someone Without Agreeing With Them

Families don't have to agree about everything to enjoy meaningful relationships. We can have different opinions and still share a meal or laugh about an old family memory. But, those relationships also need room for mutual respect.

Sometimes, protecting a relationship means learning when to stop arguing. Other times, it means accepting that a little distance is healthier. Either way, we don't have to spend our lives defending every decision we've ever made.

And, wouldn't it be nice to leave the next family gathering without needing three days to recover?

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