Being single can invite an astonishing amount of unsolicited advice. Someone's always suggesting a dating app or offering to introduce you to a friend of a friend. And then there's the inevitable question about whether you've met anyone special.

But, what if the most useful question isn't about where to find someone? New psychology research suggests that understanding why we want a relationship might be a good place to start.

What Are We Really Looking For?

Not everyone approaches dating with the same expectations. Some people genuinely enjoy being in a relationship and want someone to share their lives with. Others feel pressure to find a partner because everyone around them seems to be coupled up.

Researchers at the University of Toronto wanted to know whether those different motivations influenced what single people found. They surveyed 4,019 single adults between the ages of 18 and 39, asking why they wanted a romantic relationship and what they hoped to accomplish over the next six months.

Participants submitted approximately 12,000 relationship goals, which researchers sorted into 41 categories. Six months later, 3,176 participants returned to report how much progress they'd made. The findings revealed some interesting differences between people who wanted a meaningful connection and those who were more concerned about their relationship status.

Wanting Love and Wanting a Partner Aren't Quite the Same

People who enjoyed the idea of being in a relationship tended to focus on the experience itself. They were more likely to prioritize having fun together and developing emotional intimacy. Those who personally valued having a partner were more interested in committed, long-term relationships.

But, people who viewed finding a partner as a way to improve their self-esteem had different priorities. They were more likely to focus on getting dates or entering a relationship, without necessarily emphasizing whether that relationship would be healthy or fulfilling.

And here's the surprising part. Participants whose motivation was tied to feeling better about themselves or avoiding feelings of failure reported making less progress toward their relationship goals.

The Pressure to Couple Up

It's easy to understand how dating can become something we're trying to accomplish, rather than something we enjoy. Perhaps friends keep asking when we're going to settle down. Maybe another wedding invitation has arrived, and we're wondering whether everyone else has figured out something we haven't.

But, the researchers found that wanting a relationship because of outside pressure was mainly associated with setting goals to go on dates. The findings suggest that focusing on what we genuinely want from a relationship may be more useful than simply trying to change our relationship status.

Of course, this doesn't mean people who struggle with dating are approaching it incorrectly. Finding a compatible partner involves another person, and there's no guaranteed formula for success.

Some People Are Perfectly Happy Staying Single

The study also had an interesting finding about people who weren't particularly interested in relationships. These participants were more likely to set goals involving remaining single, and they reported greater progress toward their goals.

That makes sense when we think about it. Staying single is largely within someone's control, while finding a compatible partner means finding another person who wants the same thing.

Still, it's a useful reminder that not everyone is looking for romance. For some, being single is exactly where they want to be.

Love Isn't a Race to the Finish Line

These researchers relied on participants reporting their own progress, and the study couldn't establish that certain motivations directly caused better or worse dating outcomes.

But, it does give us something to think about. If we're hoping to find someone special, perhaps it's worth spending a little less time worrying about when it'll happen and more time thinking about the kind of relationship we'd genuinely enjoy.

And if we're perfectly happy on our own? Then, there's no reason to let someone else's relationship timeline become our own.

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