Why Making Friends as an Adult Takes Time
Making new friends as an adult can be surprisingly awkward. You meet someone at a book club, have a good laugh, and think you'd really enjoy getting to know them better.
Then comes the tricky part. Do you suggest grabbing coffee? Exchange numbers? Wait until you run into each other again and hope they suggest something?
And, even when you do start spending time together, how long does it take before that person goes from someone you know to someone you'd consider a good friend? Well, researchers have put some numbers to it, and you might be surprised by just how much time friendship takes.
How Long Does It Take to Make a Friend?
Quite a bit longer than you might expect! In a University of Kansas study, communication researcher Jeffrey Hall examined how friendships develop over time.
The research involved 355 adults who’d recently moved to a new city and 112 college students who were just beginning their first year. Hall estimated that developing new friendships generally takes:
40 to 60 hours: To move from acquaintances to casual friends
80 to 100 hours: To develop a friendship beyond the casual stage
More than 200 hours: To build a close friendship
These aren't exact deadlines, of course. Friendship doesn't come with a stopwatch, and spending 200 hours with someone certainly doesn't guarantee you'll become best friends. Still, the findings offer a reassuring explanation for why a promising new friendship might take months to develop.
Why Is Making Friends Harder as an Adult?
Think about how much time you spent around the same people growing up. School provided daily opportunities to talk, laugh, and get to know one another without having to organize every interaction.
Adulthood is different. You might meet someone lovely at your new job, a book club, or your local coffee shop. But, turning that initial connection into a friendship requires a little more planning.
Someone has to suggest getting together. Then, you have to find a day when neither of you is working late, traveling, or dealing with a mountain of laundry. And, sometimes, the hardest part is simply making that first invitation.
Spending Time Together Isn't the Whole Story
Spending time with someone doesn't necessarily mean you're becoming better friends. You might see the same people at work every day, but that doesn't mean you'll be inviting them over for dinner anytime soon.
What seems to make a difference is the time you spend together outside your usual routines. Think about the conversations that happen over coffee after a book club, the laughs you share during a walk, or the afternoon that somehow turns into hours of chatting.
Hall also found that joking around, catching up on everyday life, and having more personal conversations were linked to closer friendships. And the nice thing is that none of this requires elaborate plans. Sometimes, a cup of coffee and nowhere else you need to be is all it takes to get to know someone a little better.
How to Turn an Acquaintance Into a Friend
If you've met someone you'd like to know better, you don't need an elaborate friendship strategy. A few small changes can help you create more opportunities to connect.
Make the First Move: If you enjoy talking to someone, suggest coffee, lunch, or another casual activity. They might be hoping you'll ask.
Become a Regular: A weekly class, volunteering group, or hobby club gives you repeated opportunities to see familiar faces.
Follow Up: If someone mentions an upcoming interview or family visit, ask how it went the next time you see them.
Make Room for Spontaneity: Not every get-together needs to be planned weeks ahead. Sometimes, an impromptu coffee is easier to arrange.
Let Friendships Develop Naturally: Some people become close quickly, while others take longer to open up. Neither approach is better, just different strokes for different folks.
And, remember, friendship requires interest from both people. You shouldn't have to do all the inviting forever.
Give New Friendships a Little Time
Perhaps the nicest takeaway from Hall's research is that friendships don't happen overnight. That person you've chatted with at a book club a handful of times might eventually become someone you call when you've had a terrible day, or when you have wonderful news to share. You just haven't had enough Tuesdays together yet.
So, if you're hoping to make new friends, keep showing up, keep accepting invitations, and don't be afraid to extend a few of your own. The next great friendship in your life might already be taking shape. It just needs a little more time.
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